The Opening Metal Monologue

Obligatory Music Monologue

You've probably realized by now, my infatuation with metal, more or less my unrelenting obsession with it. How many times can you be told you listen to childish, nonsensical, unintelligible garbage for angst ridden teens, outcasts, loners and rapists. Child punchers, goat-beheading, bible cursing, long haired murderers? The list of terms could go on for way too long, considering that most of the non-metal population would agree on 'how terrible metal is'. To be fair though, I would just as quickly jump the gun and outwardly express my unearthly irritation and utter disgust towards music today. The Cow fucking country guys and gals, the gun toting simple-minded ghetto boys, wrist cutting, overly emotional scene kids, drugged out ravers. And 'lounge' faggots. Everyone has their stereotype.

People would not hesitate to say that metal is dumb. And I wouldn't be truthful if I told you that at times it isn't. When your band name is "Anal Cunt", no one is going to take you seriously. Same goes for bands such as "Dickvomit", "Jewgrinding Meatwhore", and who could forget " Semen-baby Crucifix". But I ask you to look past the few rotten apples.

Believe it or not, metal music is an indicator of intelligence. Okay, stop laughing. Try this logic. Think about that nerdy kid in school who probably got picked on, probably got beat up, made fun of, typical school garbage. Think about his thought processes. Odds are, he'll identify with a music that is similar to his feelings. Most 'nerds' in school weren't in UFC shape, weren't blessed with good looks or 'Mad panty-meat game". Instead he finds comfort in the 'outcast' of music. Angry, violent, and determined music. I know that's kind of what happened to me. But oddly enough I got a lot of friends because of the metal aspect. Perhaps these less popular kids will experience that same metamorphosis. Even if they don't, there's a good chance they'll go to metal music. And with his knowledge, he adds to the average IQ of every dead baby rapist and grandmother-pusher-over in the scene. Who knows. Maybe he'll start a band called "Labiarot" and get very famous from it. Fat chance. I can't imagine "Labiarot" getting any sort of commercial radio play.

I won't say I'm a guy that has had some problems with modern music. In fact, I will tell you that I have a LOT of problems with modern music. There's no longer any skill required to be famous. All you have to do is acquire a niche, a gimmick, or be flashy in your appearance to steal the hearts and minds of the idiots who eat it up as the next big 'musical breakthrough' of the 'whatever' century. I would focus on this as a topic, but I can honestly say I do not know enough about the music to be honest or fair. And I wouldn't be honest or fair about it either. I would just make jokes about it.
Perhaps a better insight as to why I'm like this? I would not be lying if I told you that I could not identify any popular Metallica song, know any lyrics or rhythms. To me, they're absurdly overrated, and I will lump a few other bands into that category: Tool, Led Zeppelin, Slipknot, Pink Floyd, The Ramones, and Nirvana. Now if you've scooped the shock-induced poop from your pants or panties, picked up your jaw and wiped away the tears, you may proceed to ask why I would say such a blasphemous thing.

I'll use Led Zeppelin as an example. And I won't even use the argument that they are notorious thieves (Which in the music industry is beyond unforgivable). Realistically, they were not anything different from the time, when you consider what the band did. True, as musicians, they were pretty good, but there was NOTHING there that was spectacular, or at least, unique. The only reason they're heralded as one of the greatest bands ever is because of. Well…I don't even know. You would think that with a band such as Led Zeppelin, the reasoning for their popularity would be something widely known and acknowledged. I don't even know.

Moving on, I'll try someone else. Tool. People who know me would not agree with this at all. In fact, they vehemently disagree. So much so, that it transpires into this enormous argument where the only reason one side gives up is due to exhaustion. In reality, it's nearly impossible to argue about music. The only indication of one side being 'victorious' in an entirely opinion based argument is the "I just like them" conceit. Which I cannot argue against either. I know there are bands I like out there that are nothing new or unique, and they have ascertained the amount of praise and fame they have earned.
Music of the present is a warning of the dark musical times we will face in the coming decade. I have a theory on this.
For those of you paying attention, you may have noticed that music with a heavier edge is becoming more and more popular. If you happen to be a parent, you've noticed this with your swoop-haired child with facial piercings and a slightly more than average homosexual tendencies. You may have noticed your seed has become laden in dark clothing with neon print. You may have also seen or heard their conversations about bands with names of streets in them, or seen their shirts feature a band name which is actually about four words mashed into one.

The problem comes before this.

Anybody who knows anything about metal (by the way, I am using the term metal very loosely. What I consider metal is NOT necessarily what everyone else considers metal.) would tell you that they've seen things change. I know why. The idea of being different is something that has captivated the youth of the world. Being told from a young age that everyone is unique, everyone is special. Which true in some instances, it eventually comes to a head. (I'll stick to people being unique by their music choice for now.)

Some people wanted to be unique by listening to the Ramones. Some people became unique by spinning Zeppelin records, Some people became unique by living a life of Elvis. Nirvana, Pink Floyd, Metallica, Slipknot. See a pattern here? You know all of these bands. Or, you should to some degree. They've all experienced significant success in their area of music. At least you've heard of them. What does this mean? It means that any popular band is going to inevitably fall apart. Keeping with fashion and trend, the now displaced music refugees have to find some new thing to latch on to. They turn to another unique form of expression, Metal. Don't get me wrong, I like it when I see people listening to metal. It's heartwarming in a sense, that someone is willing to listen to the music. But when you get an inundation of people who want to change the music, make it 'evolve', turn the music into their own, yet still be different, and call it metal. You're bound to have problems. During times when music prospers, it's because it's how people feel. People wrote and listened to music because they identified with the messages and emotions that came with it. Recently music has become a form is separating yourself from other people. It's now something to be unique with. Instead of liking it because they're comfortable with it, they like it because no one else does.

Long haired hipsters. The world is falling apart.